if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
