The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
