Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
