I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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