Don't you send me to vm
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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