I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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