Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
