dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
