bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
