Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
