You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
