I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
birth control should be required to get into college
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
