so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
