I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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