Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
