i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
