Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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