My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
