ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
