Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
