I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
