and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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