I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
