She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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