I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
