In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize