i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
