is your mom at the bar?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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