after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
