There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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