why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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