We named our party play list daddy issues
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
