So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
