i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
