you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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