on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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