i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
