u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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