Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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