Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
