this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
