he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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