Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
