She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
