Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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