Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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