am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
