My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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