I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
