if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
