im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You ruined the universe
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
