i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
