I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The struggles of a small town man whore
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
