dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
