I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize