so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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