Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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