the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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