Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
