finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
