I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
