You can't motorboat a personality
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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