You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
