i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
