yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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