drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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