how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
