I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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