He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
