Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
