Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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