On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she peed on how many people?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
