You work out of a Hotel?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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