I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
